Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
What does that mean anymore? I'm not sure. I sit here, listening to the 100.3 The Bear pondering my current lack of enjoyment of the holidays. So far, I haven't had much of a Christmas spirit. It's not like I've been going around like Scrooge saying "Humbug" or being sour & mean to people.
It's more of a personal crisis than anything else.
Last night I went to a pot-luck dinner that my mom invited me & my sister too. It was in North Edmonton and was put on by the Sons of Norway, a group that my mother is about to become President of. We went, ate, talked to people, and it was all good...
Until it came time to sing Christmas carols.
Now, I'm not the best singer and I have lousy sense of tone, yet none of that bothered me. It didn't even bother me that my mom had promised that we would go for just the dinner and skip the carols, which didn't actually happen. No, the problem was the act of singing songs of joy and merriment.
I just couldn't get into it. It was like I was going through the motions.
And I really use to love singing those songs of joy, Christmas, and celebration. A long time ago. What feels like a lifetime ago. But last night it didn't feel the same. It was like torture. It felt wrong for me to sing to a "Glorification of God" that isn't how I believe in God.
Sure I "believe" in the 10 Commandments even though I see one or two as being really hard to live by in the modern world. And while I can't call myself Christian anymore, I believe in God and Jesus. And yes I believe with all my heart that God loves me and wishes to save me from evil and darkness.
The problem is that it doesn't "feel" like I deserve to be saved. It's a very strange conflict. Sometimes I feel like my soul should have been born into a Catholic family, although I thank God for that not happening. Life might have been rough growing up the son of a Minister of the United Church, but I wouldn't trade my father or my family for anything.
Not even a place in Heaven.
Of course, I don't believe in a physical Heaven or Hell. I believe the Afterlife will be a lot more complex than that. Sure there will be a division between light and darkness and good and evil. I just don't believe that darkness leads to evil. Darkness can be comforting, as long as you don't take it too far. :-)
Anyway... enough about that.
My contract with On-Site Placement Services is over. Part of me is glad, while another feels like I've been left twisting in the wind. Not by the organization or the staff. But by circumstance. I spent a lot of time, during my contract with On-Site, sick or in a lot of pain. Half way through the year I found myself starting over in the program, which eventually lead to the Steadward Centre.
Now, six months later I wonder what the next six months will bring. I'm still going to the Steadward Centre, although lately it has been tough on me emotionally and physically. I pushed too hard, too fast, too soon. I "REALLY" hurt myself and now I've been struggling to get back to where I was.
The damage is bettter, yet it isn't healed. Reducing the workout has helped as much I'd hoped. On Monday I dropped the time I spent on the bike from 10 to 6 miniutes and did light weights for my legs. The upperbody workout is good, although I'm making sure that I don't go above 50 pounds. It's fairly easy and hasn't put any strain on my lower body.
Yet, the pain persists. I think it is time to go and see Dr. Gregg, at the Edmonton Sport Institute, again.
My writing is going slowly, as sitting at my computer has become increasingly difficult. I'm going to try to do more this week, as I'll likely have time tonight and Thursday night.
Anyway, that's enough for now.