Monday, November 28, 2005
Ok, have you ever had the feeling that you weren’t alone, when you should be? You have this sense of presence with you either while relaxing or working. It isn’t always frightening and sometimes it is actually comforting, like something was trying to protect or warn you.
Well, it has happened to me and in both ways.
Take one morning, in particular, for instance. I awoke to this sense that someone was in my bedroom with me. This presence was lying on the bed next me. Then there was the ‘sense’ of warning that I needed to get up. Well, I was frozen for a moment, as such experiences are unnerving, but I was soon up and wide awake.
However, nothing bad happened.
So what is the result? Am I simply too high strung, and I can’t completely relax, even while asleep? Are my dreams invading my conscious mind, as I wake? Or is there something supernatural about my soul?
I’ve always had this ‘feeling’, no matter where I’ve lived, that something was with me in spirit. Of course, being a big believer in faith and the afterlife, I’ve considered the idea of being watched over by angels and/or being haunted by ghosts.
The truth is likely more mundane than that. But you never know.
I’ve woken up in a cold sweat, frozen in bed, unable to move – a sense of ‘foreboding presence’ in the room with me just out of my range of sight. I’ve been walking alone, whether in the day or in the night and experienced a sense of wonder and/or fear, like someone was walking beside me.
Yet, my very modern, logical mind has always tried to make sense of such occurrences in a scientific way. Why? Because of an underlying fear of the unknown, and because in my youth I was tormented a lot by my peers.
This made me paranoid on a daily basis. It left me jaded and suspicious of new places and people. As I have gotten older it has gotten better, but it has obviously stayed with me to some degree. I still tend to isolate myself from the physical world. I’m more comfortable having friends online than in person.
There are exceptions, of course, as I have a few good, in person, friends – Dan, Dave, Gerald, Ken, Chris, Brian, Scott, and Darrell & Lisa. Yet, even these friends are rarely interacted with on a week by week basis. Why? Because of a sense of disappointment in my self, and an inability to be as equal a friend in return.
I don’t wish to burden them with my troubles.
Thus, the isolation I was talking about.
And there are others who could be my friends, but due too professional restrictions, aren’t in the same category. People I have come too feel comfortable with and trust on a certain level, if not 100% – Kate, Raina, Donna Marie, and Kevin are just a few. I can trust these people with my future self, with where I will be employed and with my health. Yet, I feel like there is this bridge between me and them, which ‘professionalism’ doesn’t allow me to cross.
I guess that is the difference between good friends and people you just know and respect. Associates, if you will.
While close friends provide comfort and it is good to have associates, family is what makes the real difference in life. For a long time, during my Twenties, I really isolated myself from my family. I convinced myself that I had to stand on my own without any real help, in order to be an adult. The truth was that I continued to fail and fall without my family. Life just wouldn’t be life without them – mom, dad, Victoria, Aunt Elaine, Aunt Connie, and Dale (rest in peace, man).
So, are there ghosts and angels in my life? Yes, there are the ghosts of my past and pain, as well as the angels I know who look out for me, family, friends, and associates.
As for the other ghosts and angels, I’ll only know when it is my time to meet God on his terms. But that’s not right now.
I haven't felt like writing anything here in a while. And with good reason. Since the end of August I've been in a real depressed funk.
My brother died.
Dale had just come back us, his family, a few years back and I'd been enjoying getting to know him, as a adult, for the first time. But now he is gone and life has gone into that damn downward spiral again. My mother is heartbroken and my sister is sad and depressed. My dad has his own regrets about words not said.
And I feel like a part of me died with him.
I've been trying really hard not to fall into that pit of hopelessness that I seem to always be balanced on. I try to stick to the basics of what I need to do, each day, but it all seems so pointless now. I just can't get over the fact that life seems to get worse and worse every year.
And there isn't anything I can do to stop it.
Going to the Steadward Centre feels hollow and unsatisifying. Being out in the world seems more surreal than ever. Nothing feels real anymore. Its like being stuck in the Matrix movies without any of the cool abilities or plotlines. Life has become static and strangely unsettling.
Not even EN World helps. Well, maybe a tiny bit.
More and more I've been spending time reading, going to movies, and hanging out with my friend Ken. We go out and do stuff that isn't meant to be life altering. Just stuff that is suppose to be fun. Sometimes it is, most of the time its just going through the motions.
I miss Dale so much its killing me.
Christmas this year is going to be rough.
Monday, July 11, 2005
Do you ever have the feeling that someone is try to mess with your head? Worse still, have you ever worried that the one messing with you is your own mind?
Well, I have.
Over the last week I've been forcing myself to spend more time in the pool and reading novels in the break room. As a result, I've been spending more time by myself and less time watching TV with my sister, hanging out with my friend Ken, and talking with Internet friends on EN World and by e-mail. Now, that is fine in of itself, as one needs to do more than just BE, and this is why I am toying with the idea of doing some volunteering.
However, the world, once again, is showing me its more wicked underside. Or, at least, its more twisted, freaky, mass-media, pop-cultured underside. People in this world are incredibly strange to me, but the behavior of some is even more alien. Of course, I'm guilty of the same thing sometimes, but, at least, I know the difference between reality and fantasy.
Some are not as well restrained.
Now, I'm not going to go into specifics, as that would cause me more trouble than it its worth. I'll just say that there are some things that go "Bump" in the night, and in the strangest places.
Maybe I'm just too much of an introvert externally and vice versa internally, if such a thing can be said to be true. I'm very open-minded about the world around me, but I tend to be very reserved in my own life. It's strange. Perhaps my fear of the unknown is too high, or perhaps I simply never came 100% out of my shell after High School.
While fear is never good by itself, it can save you from danger when combined with the right elements. Fight or flight behavior can save you from more than death. It can keep you from making an ass of yourself. However, too much fear leads to paranoia, which I have in spades right now. Something in my mind keeps telling me that someone is trying to make me the goat of some sort of cruel joke, or worse. Yet, the logical part of my mind keeps telling me it is the depression and that I'm imagining things.
It wouldn't be the first time that something I perceived turned out to be an illusion.
Regardless, something, someone, or some inner force is messing with my mind. And it is really starting to piss me off!
Saturday, April 16, 2005
Well, I did it again. I resigned up at Classmates.com. Why? I have no idea. Perhaps I like to torture myself, or perhaps I had hoped the site was a little more "open" then when I had first signed up for it. In fact, I think I was one of the first people, from my high school, who originally signed up there.
Of course, when I was going through my "really" bad period, a couple of years ago, I terminated my "free" status with the site. It was interesting to see that there hasn't been any new additions to my graduating year (1991) since I left the site.
I think the main reason I resigned up was the nightmares I've been having lately. Dreams that deal with bad times during my life in Forestburg - twisted by the dark madness that now infects my mind and soul. Call it my own personal version of The Dreaming Dark.
Last night's nightmare was especially bad. I dealt with a certain girl I had convinced myself that I was in love with, while living there. And in my own strange, mixed up mind, maybe I was. A "shrink" would tell me that maybe I need some closure, but every time I go there, something bad happens. Either something I bring on myself or something totally unrelated to me.
I never feel better after being to Forestburg. Thus, I don't go there anymore. I don't bury my feeling but neither do I dwell on them. It use to be I had trouble getting that place out of my head, even after moving to Edmonton. And God help me whenever I ran into someone from that place, I either didn't acknowledge them or simply tried to hold back the darkness and tried to be nice.
Well, no more. If I run into any of them and they ask why, I'll tell them why, and be damned if I feel any remorse. It's not even worth going there to see her. Besides, there isn't any guarantee that she'd even be there or want to see me. Thus, I won't go back... ever!
Except in my nightmares.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
It is April already? Jesus, you'd think "The World" would wait for you to get, at least, a little better before it consumes another year. Only 3 months until I turn 33, roughly.
Last time I talked about Broken Days and life slowly getting better. Well, today wasn't broken and life is definitely not getting better any quicker.
I've been struggling at the Steadward Centre due to nagging pain and I recently went back to the Edmonton Sport Institute for physiotherapy. There I discovered I have re-injured the same muscle group that I did way back in October, as well as another muscle/tendon.
After the assessment session I wasn't sure if I felt better or worse. Everything was definitely feeling looser, but I was in as much discomfort as when I arrived. It didn't get any better the next day either. Yet, now, a week later I'm feeling that there is less overall discomfort, and I did go to the Steadward Centre today.
Of course, it helps when you DON'T work the area in question. Although, it still felt a little sore when I was done, just not in pain.
Hmm, let's see. What else is new.
Well, Johnn and I have switched player/GM roles, as my Thursday night gaming group is now playing through the initial stages of what i hope will be the Shackled City Adventure Path from Dungeon Magazine. So far, it is going well, although we haven't actually gotten to the first adventure in the series, as I decided to introduce them to my homebrewed campaign world through an adventure called The Burning Plague - heavily modifed to fit into World of Kulan.
I'm also, now, part of another gaming group that gets together on Wednesday night. That one is a little more "casual" and we are playing in the GMs own homebrewed campaign setting. There are actually two campaigns. In the main campaign I'm playing a gnome bard, while the secondary campaign is an evil campaign - I'm playing a human fighter.
Regardless of the campaign, it is a good way to spend a Wednesday night.
Let's see, what else.
Well, my dad helped me buy new swimming trunks, which i've already put to good use. I have a feeling that the next few months are going to be filled with lots of swimming, as I've discovered that walking is just to hard on me physically. (Very painful.) That's okay though, as I'm ready to go through another phase as a "fish".
One of my neighbours moved out today, not that I blame her. She's been having a rough time lately and needed to get away from her boss, who's been stalking her. (The fucking bastard.) I hope she's safe, wherever she ends up going.
Well, that's all I can really think of too write here, right now. Maybe it won't be so long until the next time I add something to this. :-)
Friday, February 04, 2005
Well, a month and a half has come and gone since I last wrote something here, and not for a lack of news and change. While Christmas started off kind of slow, emotionally, it got better as December went on. I got to spend time with family and friends, and I got some nice gifts. And while gifts were nice, I much preferred not having to push myself during the month of December.
The Steadward Centre was closed for several weeks during the holiday, which gave me some time to heal. I did get sick right around New Years, but that holiday has never meant a whole lot to me so I was okay with spending it getting better. The end result was that I took more time off from the Steadward Centre than I had originally planned.
So, when I got back to going in mid-January, I needed to start near where I began in sets, reps, and weight. It actually felt quite challenging and I've been trying to go three times every week. Yet, today I didn't go, and not because I feel sick physically, or anything. I just didn't "feel" like it. I was in a mood and didn't feel like faking that everything was good and that I wanted to be there.
I hate doing that.
So, I spent today brooding, or sleeping, hoping tomorrow will be better. It was a strange day. Last night I went to Johnn's place to play D&D and we had a lot of fun. Our very low-level PCs survived an encounter with a harpy, an ankheg, an ogre, and two dretches. (Not all at the same time, however.) I won't go into details as it would likely bore the few non-gamers who might be reading this.
Anyway, it was a fun night so I figured I'd be great today. And yet, I felt annoyed since the moment I woke up today. I was in a lot of physical discomfort, but nothing that I haven't gone through before. It was only when I realized it was going to be one of those bad days, mentally and emotionally, that I started to get down on myself. I won't go into details, so let's just say I had a Broken Day.
What's that, you ask? Well, it's simple really.
It is a day where you feel so messed up inside that nothing can fix it. Not medication, not a kind word, not physical activity. You don't want to be around people or do anything constructive. You spiral down into a fit of horrible melancholy that warps your sense of right and wrong. You lose your humanity, momentarily, to the endless struggle in your mind to try and convince yourself that life is getting better, and not worse. Nothing anyone says or does will help make you feel better. Crying doesn't help, other than releasing a tiny trickle of the negative emotions that fill your head and body as a never-ending torrent.
It is like that, but much worse. There isn't any way to describe one of my really, really bad Broken Days. And for all the horror and pain of it, today is not even close to my worst day. Nothing will ever be that horrible ever again. The truth is that every Broken Day is an echo of the worst day of my life. I day I created myself through immaturity, hopelessness, false love, and raw, negative emotions. The day I let fester in my mind until the actual time came.
The last day I saw and talked to her.
Every mistake with women since then has been a "haunting", repeating itself, of that day. The words were not the key, it was in inability to feel anything other than pain. I thought I was in love. The truth was that I couldn't love her because I couldn't love myself. Now, more than a decade later, I wake up with that sense of lost, an after image in my heart, mind, and soul. It tainted me, as I'm sure my subconscious had planned it to be so. This way, I have convinced myself that no woman could ever love me because I hated who I was back then.
The truth is that I now know I do love myself, even with all the pain and misery I have inflicted on myself. Yet, the hate of the person that I was still remains buried in my subconscious, torturing me. I want it to go away so badly, but I don't know how to make it stop. I can't let go, because I worry that pain is all that I have left. If I lose it then what is left for me but emptiness. That scares me more than any physical or mental anguish that I might be feeling.
So, this is why I didn't go to the Steadward Centre today. I didn't want to try and hide it all behind a fractured mask.